i cannot recall how long it has been.
i have no idea how long it has been since i heard it.
our song.
today, as i was fumbling around, on my way out the door, i heard the once familiar and comforting verse of a song.
a song that had once served as my plead of desparation and embracement of all the world had to offer.
but the thing is,
it didn't occur to me what song was playing on the radio,
at least not until one specific verse.
a verse of adoration of what some may find flaw in, but something you always seemed to love.
this time was different than all the others.
there were no feelings, no memories associated with it. it was simply, JUST a song.
i have no idea how long it has been since i heard it.
our song.
today, as i was fumbling around, on my way out the door, i heard the once familiar and comforting verse of a song.
a song that had once served as my plead of desparation and embracement of all the world had to offer.
but the thing is,
it didn't occur to me what song was playing on the radio,
at least not until one specific verse.
a verse of adoration of what some may find flaw in, but something you always seemed to love.
this time was different than all the others.
there were no feelings, no memories associated with it. it was simply, JUST a song.
Dying is a part of life, but not a part of living.
how do you prepare to die.
how do you live your last days knowing that the days to come are dwindling down,
knowing that any day could be your last
i simply cannot imagine dying.
i cannot fathom the thoughts that would be coursing through my brain, my body,
preparing myself for what little is left to come, or more so what eternity awaits you.
how do you live your last days knowing that the days to come are dwindling down,
knowing that any day could be your last
i simply cannot imagine dying.
i cannot fathom the thoughts that would be coursing through my brain, my body,
preparing myself for what little is left to come, or more so what eternity awaits you.
what's left after your humanity crumbles
we are all made of 270 bones,
bones that work together in unison to permit us to function.
our genome is composed of approximately 21,000 genes,
genes controlling functions ranging from the color of your hair to the likelihood of inheriting diseases or deformities.
and 10 trillion nerve cells are eagerly racing around our body on their own course.
we are all human.
there are over 270 "known" religions,
6,500 languages spoken across the world,
society consists of over 650 occupations,
hundreds, thousands, and millions of cultures from sea to sea, yet,
we are all human.
somewhere along the lines many people lose their very right to make their own decisions,
whether by choice or forced upon them.
personally, when at your own will, i have always found letting others control your life,
your decisions,
and your future to be fallible and flawed.
once you allow someone to take advantage of you in this way,
in the way that you no longer can fend for yourself,
in the way that you can no longer live your life as you please,
in the way that you are no longer who you were created and born to be.
with each passing moment, a fraction of your genome gets swept away beneath the plunders of this world,
eventually dwindling down to nothing more than a "cookie cutter" person.
once you let your walls build up around you,
losing loved ones in inevitable,
you become another person, seeming like your controller more and more everyday.
but in the end, we are all human,
and if you choose that life, to be that "type" of human that you fit into a constrainting mold,
then i apologize,
i am nothing but sorry for you,
pity at its finest,
because in the end we are all human,
yet you are the least human person i have ever met,
your humanity dwindling from month to month, day to day.
July 17, 2014
bones that work together in unison to permit us to function.
our genome is composed of approximately 21,000 genes,
genes controlling functions ranging from the color of your hair to the likelihood of inheriting diseases or deformities.
and 10 trillion nerve cells are eagerly racing around our body on their own course.
we are all human.
there are over 270 "known" religions,
6,500 languages spoken across the world,
society consists of over 650 occupations,
hundreds, thousands, and millions of cultures from sea to sea, yet,
we are all human.
somewhere along the lines many people lose their very right to make their own decisions,
whether by choice or forced upon them.
personally, when at your own will, i have always found letting others control your life,
your decisions,
and your future to be fallible and flawed.
once you allow someone to take advantage of you in this way,
in the way that you no longer can fend for yourself,
in the way that you can no longer live your life as you please,
in the way that you are no longer who you were created and born to be.
with each passing moment, a fraction of your genome gets swept away beneath the plunders of this world,
eventually dwindling down to nothing more than a "cookie cutter" person.
once you let your walls build up around you,
losing loved ones in inevitable,
you become another person, seeming like your controller more and more everyday.
but in the end, we are all human,
and if you choose that life, to be that "type" of human that you fit into a constrainting mold,
then i apologize,
i am nothing but sorry for you,
pity at its finest,
because in the end we are all human,
yet you are the least human person i have ever met,
your humanity dwindling from month to month, day to day.
July 17, 2014
Fucking doesn't always signify love
i want to fuck you up.
not in the way of making love..
call me a maniac,
call me violent person,
but maybe I'm just being human ,
maybe I'm just saying all the things we as humans are too afraid to admit,
words we are too conscious of letting slip out of mouth,
and slip out of the very fact that no one knows.
too often we don't say what we feel,
we avoid certain subjects, dodging one after another,
devising a plan to avoid it at all costs...
but I am not like that, never have been,
I say what I feel, with consideration of course,
but regardless of what others would do.
I don't bite my tongue in hesitation,
I speak with such passion, built on a firm foundation.
a foundation built upon years and years of a little something called childhood and growing up.
you, you have completely shattered what respect I had left of you.
like an unwelcomed visitor in the middle of the night,
you, left the care for me and our friendship at the door outside,
I don't think about you anymore,
I don't wonder how you are doing in life,
how summer is treating you,
or how your family is doing.
Honestly, I don't think I could care any less.
yes, at one point in my life you held a strong place in my heart,
but now my heart struggles to find room for you.
July 13, 2014
not in the way of making love..
call me a maniac,
call me violent person,
but maybe I'm just being human ,
maybe I'm just saying all the things we as humans are too afraid to admit,
words we are too conscious of letting slip out of mouth,
and slip out of the very fact that no one knows.
too often we don't say what we feel,
we avoid certain subjects, dodging one after another,
devising a plan to avoid it at all costs...
but I am not like that, never have been,
I say what I feel, with consideration of course,
but regardless of what others would do.
I don't bite my tongue in hesitation,
I speak with such passion, built on a firm foundation.
a foundation built upon years and years of a little something called childhood and growing up.
you, you have completely shattered what respect I had left of you.
like an unwelcomed visitor in the middle of the night,
you, left the care for me and our friendship at the door outside,
I don't think about you anymore,
I don't wonder how you are doing in life,
how summer is treating you,
or how your family is doing.
Honestly, I don't think I could care any less.
yes, at one point in my life you held a strong place in my heart,
but now my heart struggles to find room for you.
July 13, 2014
like fleeting birds in a stormy night enamored with the conviction that protection and safety can only be found in shelter
There are no guarantees in life, not even your best friend. |
you lose a friend
its a part of life its why they're simply called moments and not forevers we are not guranteed anybody in this life, the same way we are not guranteed tomorrow. and in all honesty, i have come to accept that. we are different people then we were three years ago and even three months ago. I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you like I did three years ago, when we were inseperable, but if I'm being honest with myself I don't know you at all anymore. July 6, 2014 |
Parting words...
its been minutes, days, even years since I met you on what seemed like a typical day.
seated in spanish class prepared for a boring, not so eventful class,
filled with constant stares at the clock, in the attempt of passing time even quicker.
i knew from that first day, that you were special.
that our friendship would grow to become one of the most invaluable "things" in my life (in the most intangelible way).
from that day I knew who would write my eulogy.
I knew who I would give my all to have speak on my behalf when my breaths were no longer breaths of hot air.
but here's the thing,... I never asked you.
you have no idea,
not one slightest suspicion, and I'm afraid you might never know.
That's the thing, life happens in the blink of an eye, and the moment you hesitate,
the moment you pause for that extra second before jumping off the diving board, is the moment the chance is gone,
and displaced with a pool of impossibilities.
seated in spanish class prepared for a boring, not so eventful class,
filled with constant stares at the clock, in the attempt of passing time even quicker.
i knew from that first day, that you were special.
that our friendship would grow to become one of the most invaluable "things" in my life (in the most intangelible way).
from that day I knew who would write my eulogy.
I knew who I would give my all to have speak on my behalf when my breaths were no longer breaths of hot air.
but here's the thing,... I never asked you.
you have no idea,
not one slightest suspicion, and I'm afraid you might never know.
That's the thing, life happens in the blink of an eye, and the moment you hesitate,
the moment you pause for that extra second before jumping off the diving board, is the moment the chance is gone,
and displaced with a pool of impossibilities.
A Conflicting Nature
conflictions reside in our bodies
like the last spec of sand you cant seem to get free of
like the last remnants of your last meal in your mouth,
like the taste of words you simply didn't speak.
conflictions are lousy excuses to admitting our faults,
our discrepancies between our ideal world and reality.
a clash between two inanimate objects,
emotions,
or even people.
we as humans,
as these imperfectly created,
fallible souls, are not meant to always know what to do,
to always know which path to travel.
no one has all the answers, no one has a book guiding themselves through every circumstance, every situation in life.
our life is shaped and transformed along the way,
from point A to point B, our journey is made of winding turns, obstacles, and loop holes.
July 6, 2014
like the last spec of sand you cant seem to get free of
like the last remnants of your last meal in your mouth,
like the taste of words you simply didn't speak.
conflictions are lousy excuses to admitting our faults,
our discrepancies between our ideal world and reality.
a clash between two inanimate objects,
emotions,
or even people.
we as humans,
as these imperfectly created,
fallible souls, are not meant to always know what to do,
to always know which path to travel.
no one has all the answers, no one has a book guiding themselves through every circumstance, every situation in life.
our life is shaped and transformed along the way,
from point A to point B, our journey is made of winding turns, obstacles, and loop holes.
July 6, 2014
One syllable of Power & Badassery
a friend of mine once told me "fuck" was her favorite swear word,
a word comprised of 1 syllable, and four letters, yet at the same time so much more than that.
fuck was a word for all words,
it was a word that could carry the weight of the world and then drop it like a hat,
it was the suspense before the scream,
it was the joke before the punchline,
it was picking yourself, everything that you w
it was a word that embodied all the guts and courage that the world could ever imagine.
"fuck"
is simply "fuck"
it gives no fucks what anyone thinks.
it takes everything with a grain of salt, and throws it right back at you, in your face, till your eyes burn from how blunt it is,
how harsh the letters sound as they spew from your mouth.
as a child, i could never see the purpose of swearing.
i could never understand why words were forbidden,
how anyone could forbid words, as if they were actually something that was not acceptable.
how can someone, anyone tell you what the fuck you can and cannot fucking say.
in no way are you infringing on anyone else's rights or hurting them.
we live in a country where freedom of speech is etched into paper past,
into our foundation,
yet.
a word comprised of 1 syllable, and four letters, yet at the same time so much more than that.
fuck was a word for all words,
it was a word that could carry the weight of the world and then drop it like a hat,
it was the suspense before the scream,
it was the joke before the punchline,
it was picking yourself, everything that you w
it was a word that embodied all the guts and courage that the world could ever imagine.
"fuck"
is simply "fuck"
it gives no fucks what anyone thinks.
it takes everything with a grain of salt, and throws it right back at you, in your face, till your eyes burn from how blunt it is,
how harsh the letters sound as they spew from your mouth.
as a child, i could never see the purpose of swearing.
i could never understand why words were forbidden,
how anyone could forbid words, as if they were actually something that was not acceptable.
how can someone, anyone tell you what the fuck you can and cannot fucking say.
in no way are you infringing on anyone else's rights or hurting them.
we live in a country where freedom of speech is etched into paper past,
into our foundation,
yet.
a disease sweeping the nation...
According to Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, “up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the United States”. Upon reading this statistic I was stunned by it, as I imagine most of you were as well. As individuals, as a society, we read, hear, and see these statistics occasionally, unfortunately not often enough. We are blind to the signs and repercussions that this disease has on people.
At some point in the last few years, I had become a part of this statistic. My eating habits changed, my intake became less and less. I did not notice it at the time that it was the beginning of something, of an eating disorder, however as time passed I began to realize that I was striving for perfection through unhealthy and destructive means. Life at home at became difficult to say the least. My parents had recently uncovered quite possibly my biggest secret yet; that I was not straight but instead a lesbian who had a girlfriend. This came as way more than a shock to them. Somewhere within the last few years I had distorted the image of the daughter they had, according to them, I had thrown my life away and given into nothing more than temptation. I began to suffer from depression, making day to day life a struggle. As a junior in high school, skipping breakfast was a given, however as time went on, aside from small snacks and water, lunch became nonexistent. My friend remained adamant that I at least eat “something” for lunch. By the time dinner time rolled around, I sat up to the table, fork in hand, ready to eat a full meal, (because you know my parents couldn’t know, they could not know about this part of their daughter). After a few months, things at home started to get better and I started to go back to a regular lifestyle, eating at every meal.
In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week I want nothing more than to make everyone more aware of this pressing issue upon society, and specifically how many people are affected by it and struggle with this disease. Look around you, look around at your friends, your teachers, and family, eating disorders are sometimes more than what simply meets the eye. I encourage you to keep your eyes open to those around you, watch out for signs and offer to walk alongside them in this journey with them, as it can be long with several hurdles.
At some point in the last few years, I had become a part of this statistic. My eating habits changed, my intake became less and less. I did not notice it at the time that it was the beginning of something, of an eating disorder, however as time passed I began to realize that I was striving for perfection through unhealthy and destructive means. Life at home at became difficult to say the least. My parents had recently uncovered quite possibly my biggest secret yet; that I was not straight but instead a lesbian who had a girlfriend. This came as way more than a shock to them. Somewhere within the last few years I had distorted the image of the daughter they had, according to them, I had thrown my life away and given into nothing more than temptation. I began to suffer from depression, making day to day life a struggle. As a junior in high school, skipping breakfast was a given, however as time went on, aside from small snacks and water, lunch became nonexistent. My friend remained adamant that I at least eat “something” for lunch. By the time dinner time rolled around, I sat up to the table, fork in hand, ready to eat a full meal, (because you know my parents couldn’t know, they could not know about this part of their daughter). After a few months, things at home started to get better and I started to go back to a regular lifestyle, eating at every meal.
In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week I want nothing more than to make everyone more aware of this pressing issue upon society, and specifically how many people are affected by it and struggle with this disease. Look around you, look around at your friends, your teachers, and family, eating disorders are sometimes more than what simply meets the eye. I encourage you to keep your eyes open to those around you, watch out for signs and offer to walk alongside them in this journey with them, as it can be long with several hurdles.
Eighteen, on the same journey as everyone out there, life...
Falling as if it was my lover...
I learned to fall,
I learned to fall hard
Fall hard in love as tomorrow was but a word,
As if you
And I
Was but a word,
But US was everything
Those two letters could not have held any greater meaning
For they encompassed everything in the universe
You were my world
My world was you.
I learned to fall knowing that the only thing that I could do
was pick up the broken pieces of myself, that shattered my world as they fell to the ground
Trying to piece them back together as if I were a puzzle,
As if my life somehow actually made sense
I knew I could only get up from there
Knowing that you wouldn't be far behind
But rather right beside me
Walking alongside, because there's this thing that we have,
Its called friendship,
And yes it might not extend as far across the universe as it once did,
But it still goes pretty damn far, reaching to the sky, at least.
I learned to fall more times than not
I learned to fall flat on my face
I learned to fall over and over again
Never looking back on what I was
It seemed as if time after time I found myself in the same place
Knees weakened, face clinging to that harsh ground, as if it was a field of cotton
For fear of failing yet again,
I came to call it my home
I came to name each and every one
I learned to fall hard
Fall hard in love as tomorrow was but a word,
As if you
And I
Was but a word,
But US was everything
Those two letters could not have held any greater meaning
For they encompassed everything in the universe
You were my world
My world was you.
I learned to fall knowing that the only thing that I could do
was pick up the broken pieces of myself, that shattered my world as they fell to the ground
Trying to piece them back together as if I were a puzzle,
As if my life somehow actually made sense
I knew I could only get up from there
Knowing that you wouldn't be far behind
But rather right beside me
Walking alongside, because there's this thing that we have,
Its called friendship,
And yes it might not extend as far across the universe as it once did,
But it still goes pretty damn far, reaching to the sky, at least.
I learned to fall more times than not
I learned to fall flat on my face
I learned to fall over and over again
Never looking back on what I was
It seemed as if time after time I found myself in the same place
Knees weakened, face clinging to that harsh ground, as if it was a field of cotton
For fear of failing yet again,
I came to call it my home
I came to name each and every one
Maybe they're more than just words..
Words fall out of my mouth like rain,
regardless of my intention,
they sting like icicles,
and before I know it,
the tears have been shed,
forming pools of disappointment, of anger beneath her feet,
becoming larger and larger by the second,
becoming as vast as the ocean,
constantly pulling her farther and farther out to sea,
and at this point, the lines become blurred,
your intentions have lost its relevance,
the only thing that matters is that words were spoken,
words clumsily fell out like hail in a snowstorm,
instead of raindrops on a summer day,
the words seemed to come out all wrong.
- Summer 2013
regardless of my intention,
they sting like icicles,
and before I know it,
the tears have been shed,
forming pools of disappointment, of anger beneath her feet,
becoming larger and larger by the second,
becoming as vast as the ocean,
constantly pulling her farther and farther out to sea,
and at this point, the lines become blurred,
your intentions have lost its relevance,
the only thing that matters is that words were spoken,
words clumsily fell out like hail in a snowstorm,
instead of raindrops on a summer day,
the words seemed to come out all wrong.
- Summer 2013
i'm not sure....
I’m not sure if it was the way you took my hand that night
Or the way the words “I like you”
Fell out of your mouth, that late valentine’s night, two years ago and counting.
But somewhere along the way I fell in love with you
I fell in love with the way you said hello
With the way you took your hand and wrapped it around mine, in the most intimate way
Guiding me though the darkness of the night.
With the way you always seemed to know what was on my mind,
And never once failed to cheer me up.
With the way that I could simply lay beside the sweatshirt you gave me so long ago,
and feel your kindness,
Feel your presence
Feel the overwhelming sense that I was where I was meant to be,
That we were where we were meant to be
With the way you said fuck me,
And I said don’t mind if I do
With the way you told me I meant the world to you
And with the way you told me I was so much more than that,
I was your world, I was your universe
I was everything your world consisted of,
More than all the matter the universe could ever muster up,
I gradually became a part of you.
When I thought of you,
I thought of me
When I thought of me,
I thought of you
I thought of me and you
Together.
There was no other way.
There was no longer any chasm of separation between us
For as we both know, we were the farthest things from strangers,
And the closest things to lovers
-October 2, 2013
Or the way the words “I like you”
Fell out of your mouth, that late valentine’s night, two years ago and counting.
But somewhere along the way I fell in love with you
I fell in love with the way you said hello
With the way you took your hand and wrapped it around mine, in the most intimate way
Guiding me though the darkness of the night.
With the way you always seemed to know what was on my mind,
And never once failed to cheer me up.
With the way that I could simply lay beside the sweatshirt you gave me so long ago,
and feel your kindness,
Feel your presence
Feel the overwhelming sense that I was where I was meant to be,
That we were where we were meant to be
With the way you said fuck me,
And I said don’t mind if I do
With the way you told me I meant the world to you
And with the way you told me I was so much more than that,
I was your world, I was your universe
I was everything your world consisted of,
More than all the matter the universe could ever muster up,
I gradually became a part of you.
When I thought of you,
I thought of me
When I thought of me,
I thought of you
I thought of me and you
Together.
There was no other way.
There was no longer any chasm of separation between us
For as we both know, we were the farthest things from strangers,
And the closest things to lovers
-October 2, 2013
i try..oh God how i try...
I try to imagine life without you,
But when I try to imagine life without you,
It’s like imagining sunshine without the sun
the rain without the rainbow
trees without their leaves
And even though I know you might actually be leaving
To never look back
Forever saying goodbye,
I will not let those words sink into the bones of my body
For my bones are not porous for words
I don’t think exist
My body leaves room for only words that are
Penetrated with a thirst for life
With a love beyond compare
Saturated with the words I love you, and I will always love you
They flow through my body
Through my veins,
Through my bones
Bathing me in their beauty
Immersing me in the reality that regardless of where you are
Regardless of the miles that separate us
You will always be no farther than a few heart beats away
For you have built a house in the chambers of my heart
Never to leave,
You have furnished the walls of my heart
Making home truly where the heart is
-September 30, 2013
But when I try to imagine life without you,
It’s like imagining sunshine without the sun
the rain without the rainbow
trees without their leaves
And even though I know you might actually be leaving
To never look back
Forever saying goodbye,
I will not let those words sink into the bones of my body
For my bones are not porous for words
I don’t think exist
My body leaves room for only words that are
Penetrated with a thirst for life
With a love beyond compare
Saturated with the words I love you, and I will always love you
They flow through my body
Through my veins,
Through my bones
Bathing me in their beauty
Immersing me in the reality that regardless of where you are
Regardless of the miles that separate us
You will always be no farther than a few heart beats away
For you have built a house in the chambers of my heart
Never to leave,
You have furnished the walls of my heart
Making home truly where the heart is
-September 30, 2013
i'm not here...
i'm not here to tell you that i'm perfect
i'm not here to tell you that my hair falls perfectly upon my shoulders
or that my smile is the prettiest
i'm not here to make myself out to be something i am not
but i am here
because i am here
and i am me
by whatever means you wish to define me as it is fine by me
whether you know me as the girl who likes girls or the girl who finds peace in knowing, just knowing,
knowing that despite today, tomorrow will come a new day,
but when you take away the perceptions,
the little things you know about me,
beneath it all.
i just want to be me
i want people to know, that i may not be a size 2 nor a 34c but i am in fact one amazing girl,
for that i wish the world to see
for i am more than a number, in pounds, in inches,
for i am more than the things the pages of my past reveal,
for I am more than my last slip up in life
because in the end of it all,
we are all human
we all make mistakes
but at the same time,
we are all so beautifully made,
so wonderfully crafted by hands more powerful than ours
by whom, we can only wonder.
-September/October 2013
i'm not here to tell you that my hair falls perfectly upon my shoulders
or that my smile is the prettiest
i'm not here to make myself out to be something i am not
but i am here
because i am here
and i am me
by whatever means you wish to define me as it is fine by me
whether you know me as the girl who likes girls or the girl who finds peace in knowing, just knowing,
knowing that despite today, tomorrow will come a new day,
but when you take away the perceptions,
the little things you know about me,
beneath it all.
i just want to be me
i want people to know, that i may not be a size 2 nor a 34c but i am in fact one amazing girl,
for that i wish the world to see
for i am more than a number, in pounds, in inches,
for i am more than the things the pages of my past reveal,
for I am more than my last slip up in life
because in the end of it all,
we are all human
we all make mistakes
but at the same time,
we are all so beautifully made,
so wonderfully crafted by hands more powerful than ours
by whom, we can only wonder.
-September/October 2013
Just a bag of bones...
So I settled back into the bones of my body,
Bones that were not mine,
Bones that never were mine,
Bones that simply forced their way into my skin.
Nothing more than society’s opinion on the chasm
Between who I was and who I should be.
The ugliness and imperfection began to settle into my bones,
Penetrating every inch of my body,
Everywhere,
From my not so toned stomach to the cavity where my heart resides.
When inadequacy and disappointment lined the mountains and curvatures of my body.
Perfection seemed like an unattainable state of existence,
I was nothing more than a disappointment
I was the gay daughter they never wished they had.
Before their eyes they saw their child transform from a girl who had the potential to reach to the sky to a girl Barely managing to stumble to her feet
The heaviness of the fact that I liked girls settled into their body, their brains, their hearts
Seeping out with every word spoken, with every thought,
They no longer marveled at my potential but found home in the disappointment in the life that I had “thrown away”
They couldn't comprehend why I would “throw my life away” for a temptation,
For a small thing,
A mere sense of lust,
A mere sense of attraction.
They told me that this wasn’t me,
That this was solely the devils handy work within my body,
That the devil was burrowing a home inside of me,
They said I could be fixed.
They said I would be fixed.
It wouldn't have been a stretch to say that they would've rather not had a daughter at all than have a gay daughter
The memory of that day is forever etched into my brain, my heart,
my wrists
Displayed as a collection of tally marks,
where friendship bracelets used to lay.
It was if the pain was strong enough to cut
Something beyond my veins,
As I made the first what would be scar, and blood trickled out,
I did not think of the family I would be leaving behind,
I did not think of the house where as a child I took comfort in,
Instead I thought of what was no longer,
I thought of the family I had lost,
I thought of the trust that was a lost cause, a ship sunken forever
As I questioned my purpose and existence more and more as the days passed,
The battlefield on my arm began to expand,
As if acting out my own battles, each obstacle and defeat on a blank, white canvas
I thought it would make the battle easier,
Take some of the pain away from my life.
But as I sat on my bed, grasping the razor, crying uncontrollably
The feelings of disappointment and inadequacy never seemed to disappear.
So at the end of the day, I had no choice but to settle back into the bones of my body,
Bones that had become as fragile as an old women’s plagued by osteoporosis.
My bones were no longer built of strength and confidence,
but rather stained with the conviction that I wasn’t good enough, and that I never would be.
to this day, the feeling of failure has not escaped from my bones.
Bones that were not mine,
Bones that never were mine,
Bones that simply forced their way into my skin.
Nothing more than society’s opinion on the chasm
Between who I was and who I should be.
The ugliness and imperfection began to settle into my bones,
Penetrating every inch of my body,
Everywhere,
From my not so toned stomach to the cavity where my heart resides.
When inadequacy and disappointment lined the mountains and curvatures of my body.
Perfection seemed like an unattainable state of existence,
I was nothing more than a disappointment
I was the gay daughter they never wished they had.
Before their eyes they saw their child transform from a girl who had the potential to reach to the sky to a girl Barely managing to stumble to her feet
The heaviness of the fact that I liked girls settled into their body, their brains, their hearts
Seeping out with every word spoken, with every thought,
They no longer marveled at my potential but found home in the disappointment in the life that I had “thrown away”
They couldn't comprehend why I would “throw my life away” for a temptation,
For a small thing,
A mere sense of lust,
A mere sense of attraction.
They told me that this wasn’t me,
That this was solely the devils handy work within my body,
That the devil was burrowing a home inside of me,
They said I could be fixed.
They said I would be fixed.
It wouldn't have been a stretch to say that they would've rather not had a daughter at all than have a gay daughter
The memory of that day is forever etched into my brain, my heart,
my wrists
Displayed as a collection of tally marks,
where friendship bracelets used to lay.
It was if the pain was strong enough to cut
Something beyond my veins,
As I made the first what would be scar, and blood trickled out,
I did not think of the family I would be leaving behind,
I did not think of the house where as a child I took comfort in,
Instead I thought of what was no longer,
I thought of the family I had lost,
I thought of the trust that was a lost cause, a ship sunken forever
As I questioned my purpose and existence more and more as the days passed,
The battlefield on my arm began to expand,
As if acting out my own battles, each obstacle and defeat on a blank, white canvas
I thought it would make the battle easier,
Take some of the pain away from my life.
But as I sat on my bed, grasping the razor, crying uncontrollably
The feelings of disappointment and inadequacy never seemed to disappear.
So at the end of the day, I had no choice but to settle back into the bones of my body,
Bones that had become as fragile as an old women’s plagued by osteoporosis.
My bones were no longer built of strength and confidence,
but rather stained with the conviction that I wasn’t good enough, and that I never would be.
to this day, the feeling of failure has not escaped from my bones.